Boundaries – what are they and do the even exist?

My last week was completely colored with that word: BOUNDARIES.

What are they? Where are they? How important are they? Do they matter at all? Do I have them? Do people around me have them? What do they represent in my relationships?

All of these questions were flying around my head without a place to land. Because a landing place would mean I have answers. And I don’t.

I have moved out of the apartment which I shared with my partner recently. I returned to my parents’ house, to the couch.

Why didn’t our fairy-tale come true? What did I miss?

I was left alone with all of these questions and no one could answer them but me.

I also connected my broken friendships and wondered why they had failed as well.

After going through a lot of scenarios, the only thing I actually came up with was that with all of these people I adored, and still love a lot, I had lost myself. It started with (as it usually does) small, “unnoticeable” things such as drinking coffee with my darling because he likes it, instead of tea I like.

It was cute at that moment, of course, to share the enjoyment with dear people, but I hadn’t noticed that I was doing less and less of what I like, for myself. I was people-pleasing more and more (even though no one asked that of me). What’s the harm, right? Coffee, tea, isn’t it meaningless? The most important thing is that we’re together and that we’re friends, right?

Actually, it is meaningful. I was missing from that entire picture. Perhaps just like you, my dear, who is reading this. Yes, you might be missing yourself. When was the last time you’d read a book which really picked your interest? When were you dancing without analyzing who was looking at you and in which manner? When was the last time you’d allowed yourself love manifested as a massage, an appointment at hairdresser’s, a walk through your favorite part of town, hiking… I don’t know what you like and what feeds your soul. Only you can know that.

Just as I can only, and I mean only, know for myself.

But I forgot. Actually, I didn’t forget, I had bluntly left myself to the mercy of others.

“He knows what I like, he’ll remember. Well, she’s my friend, She’ll suggest that we do something I like. They will buy me ____ for my birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s…” Let me tell you something older women were telling me and I didn’t listen: no one will remember you if you forget about yourself. No one will take care of yourself if you don’t.

This is where the power of boundaries comes in.

What do I like?

What feels good?

What do I enjoy?

What/whom do I find stressful?

What/whom do I find annoying?

How much time did I spend doing what makes my life easier in this body I call home this week?

Do I call my body home?

Do I enjoy myself or my body?

How much of myself can I give in this or that relationship?

Do I allow myself being unavailable to everyone at all times?

Those are just some of the questions I’ve been asking myself in the last three weeks (this is a reminder to never stop asking myself those questions because I change and grow, so my boundaries move as well). I have found many answers.

I’ve found myself, actually. I remembered that I love all kinds of tea, but not coffee. I don’t even drink it as often.

I remembered I haven’t painted in a while - the same hobby which pulled me out of depression and cutting during my teenage years.

I remembered how much I love dancing, but also that I haven’t allowed my body to move as it feels in a long time.

I remembered missing some people from my past, especially those strong women who had shared my space. Those are the women who lift you up when you’re down and vice versa.

I remembered how much I love walking instead of standing at one place, both literally and figuratively.

I remembered how bored I am with meaningless night outs where only the known repeats. I remembered how much I yearn for people who share my passions and can teach me something new.

Anyway, I remembered a lot of things and I’m sure I’ll keep remembering new/old things about myself.

Then again, how are boundaries connected with my new-found memories, or my relationships?

Idea taken from: https://shesaid.com/everything-need-know-personal-boundaries/

They are connected because by forgetting all the things which make ME, I have actually erased boundaries in my relationships. That means that other people were stepping all over me without anyone being aware of it. That also means that I have been crossing over other people’s boundaries as well, without noticing it.

And by not knowing who I am and what I love, I hoped that the people I was in relationships with would magically understand what I actually love and provide me with it.

To say it right away, that is a huuge burden for the people who are close to me. They were in a relationship with a child who would not admit it. I didn’t know what I wanted, but I demanded a huge amount of effort from others.

I would add a mental note every time I crossed over myself and after a few of those, I would demand from other people to cross themselves in order to please me. And that’s unfair. Not one of those people made me do that. They would also react in the same manner: “you only have yourself to blame, I didn’t ask that of you…”

That hurts. And as this endless cycle repeats again, I go further away from the people I hold dear because it pains me that they’re not living their lives for me, as I was for them.

Damn, really, who do I have to blame?

No one, but I AM RESPONSIBLE for myself. And ONLY myself.

This is how my sturdiest friendships broke down.

This is how my most beautiful romantic fairy-tales vanished – all because I didn’t know how to say no, because I didn’t draw out the boundaries of my being.

But that’s okay. I didn’t know I had to and I allow myself that.

I allow myself ignorance and inexperience because those’ve led me to where I am now. Do you allow yourself the same?

Because really, it is okay.

Here’s the song which reminded me that everything’s okay: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ8YYjSwrNc