Simply: The Beginning
- Amina Satrovic
- Oct 17, 2019
- 5 min read
And so, I finished the first course I invested in and the first one which was only MY wish. Mine and nobody else’s. And, you know, it’s an amazing feeling to finish something that you really want. I needed quite a few days to integrate everything that happened in the last module of Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training. It really isn’t a small thing. In this last year (how long the training lasted), I have changed completely. More in some parts and less in others, but the change is clearly visible even on my face.
The most interesting part is that my topic on the first module (the teacher training is divided in four) was about my Inner Child. I was completely surprised, without even knowing what that was or what to do with it. It turned out that I was carrying a lot of anger and sadness in my body and subconscious from my childhood. Now, I am aware of my softness, but when I was a child I didn’t understand why some “normal” things hurt me so much and I was quite angry because of that, without even knowing it. In the end, how could I have known when I wasn’t even allowed to be angry.
Basically, we all have that Inner Child in ourselves. That is all we have been taught while we were young - that is a huge part of ourselves which we’re not aware of for the most part, at least I wasn’t until a year ago. Inner Child is software which we are being equipped with in the first 7 years of our lives. It is supposed to help us function when we grow up. The only question is: does this software serve us? Are we happy and fulfilled with the way we’re living our lives?
Since my software was not quite well programmed for the adulthood in the sense of all the things we’re NOT taught at schools, I decided to do something about it. I didn’t know how to become aware of my stream of thoughts. I didn’t know how to self-regulate my emotions, nor what they actually were. I was always pretty emotional and was led by my heart, but since I didn’t know how to identify my emotions, let alone talk about them, I became a dysfunctional person in all aspects of life which are important to me. When I grew up, all of my suppressed emotions kept going out in various unhealthy ways, and towards the people who didn’t deserve it. They know who they are, I’ve become aware of that and asked for their forgiveness.
If there is someone else, please forgive me, I honestly didn’t know any healthier ways of channeling lower category of emotions.
Anyway, so I started learning about my Inner Girl – what she likes, how she loves, how gentle she is, how she is when she gets angry, what feels nice for her and what not. During one period of time, I have completely lost everything I thought I was up until that point, and I have to say, that feeling is not nice at all. Many fears I had never thought I could have, came to the surface, such as the fear of men and complete distrust in them, fear of being left alone (okay, that one’s pretty common), fear of success (me? No way!) and so on.
I gradually came to the last module of my TT and there, believe it or not, my topic was A Woman in Me.
That means that within one year, I had pulled into awareness my Inner Girl and came to the point where I became aware of the identity of the Woman in me. Honestly, I don’t think that’s a lot more than nothing and I am quite proud of the growth I had achieved in 365 days. Naturally, this does not mean that I have cured my Girl completely, but it does mean that I have cured her enough for the Woman to emerge; enough to know how to talk to her and calm her down in stressful situations. In reality, we heal this part of ourselves (this is my belief) for the rest of our lives and that can sound like a defeating thought, but I believe that this is actually the purpose of life – learning about the Self and the world for the rest of this lifetime.
And so, by graduating, I have started a new chapter in my life where the Woman identity is making all of my important decisions. This identity couldn’t have appeared until I accepted and befriended my Girl.
My teacher asked me if the Girl identity has to die in order to make space for the Woman and the answer is both: yes and no. Yes in a sense that the Girl has no right to either make important decisions or lead my relationships. No in the sense of this childish joy that has to remain being my drive and my way of perceiving the world.
All of this has shown me how little I know about the ways of a woman and the cycles she goes through (no, I’m not referring solely on the menstrual one, there are more of them). I have learned how cyclic we as beings actually are, which is completely different from the linear men (which is not bad at all, it’s just different). I’ve also learned how holy we are in this world and how necessary our perspective is. And, of course, my learning process has just begun.
I am so happy for this new start. It is one of the rare ones I had chosen myself, for myself.
And when it comes to this Girl, if you notice that you’re reacting to new people in some old patterns – that could be her. The thing which helped me the most is basically sitting down and talking to her. I ask her what hurts and why does she have a need to react in such a way. I explain to her that she is no longer in that past situation and that the person standing in front of us at that moment is not the one who hurt is in the past. I tell her that she no longer has to be afraid and that she has this big, grown up Me to protect her. If you’re not feeling comfortable talking to yourself (to the identity inside of you, that is) out loud, you can try writing in a diary. I usually do that when I have no space to be by myself. I also follow a few Psychologists who deal with this topic quite nicely and provide some practical pieces of advice. If you feel drawn to this topic, just let me know, I will gladly share my sources with you.
Good luck with doing your own research!
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